The Perfect Christmas

2007-12-17T03:44:00.000-08:00

The Perfect Christmas
Editorial Note: Asym42 is currently on sick leave with 'Man-flu', a terrifying condition which reduces the sufferer to a red-nosed, snuffling wreck, capable of using more tissues in a single day than he did in a month, as a teenager. This blog entry has been contributed by the Office Space resident style guru, Jeremy Grand-Merde.

The Festive Season is approaching and we're all wondering about those bulges in Santa's sack, know what I mean? If you're anything like me then hey – get your coat, gorgeous, you've just pulled! But seriously, on that special morning, when I open my eyes at the crack of dawn - I shout “Hey Dawn, get off my face!!!”

You know, I like to treat my presents like I treat my women. I use both hands to rip off the paper while I'm still reading the card to find out where it's from. But I'm generous as well, I truly believe that Christmas is a time for giving to those less fortunate than me, which – let's face it – is every guy on the planet. So my friends get signed photos of me which they can treasure. But, for those special, lucky babes in my life, they get something hot and steaming and covered in custard, and I'm not talking about pudding!!!

In my extensive experience, a lot of guys bitch about Christmas shopping, which makes me feel kind of sorry for them. Guys, lighten up, take your babe shopping, offer to carry those parcels, be prepared to listen to her constant, droning nonsense about what to buy Auntie Ethel or whoever. It's worth the pain because, guys, once you're back home again you just know that your little investment of time and boredom will be repaid a hundred times over in the sack. Christmas is a time for thinking about others – mainly, thinking about whether to put your babe in suspenders and boots, or maybe just the french knickers and high heels. Yes, the babes love the frilly underwear and sex toys, the kinkier the better, so when you're shopping, make sure you pop into that sex shop and get her a little something. Then you can enjoy the look on her face when she opens that parcel on the big day and holds up the vibrating butt-plug with integral suspender belt and i-pod socket.

Finally, just a word on how to handle difficult relatives. Christmas is all about family, so play it cool and smooth. Are you worried about who's coming for lunch? Are you worried about having your Babe's mother? Last year I had my Babe's mother – and her sister – and her cousin! What a party that was! But seriously, you should just do what I do. First, welcome them into your beautiful home. Take a half hour to point out the hand made Tibetan rugs and Ethiopian throws. Get your babe to pour drinks before sending her back into the kitchen. Let everyone chill as they listen to you talk about this and that. By the time your babe serves lunch, everyone should be mellow and you can bask in their admiration as you carve the turkey. Smooth.

So, here's hoping you have a Christmas almost as fantastic as mine will be. Yeah, if you're lucky enough to be on my guest list, you'll be enjoying the kind of action that makes the Playboy Mansion look like a bouncy castle. Just remember 'safe sex' at all times, yeah? Don't ever give the bitch your real name. Later...